10. Major Lazer feat. Justin Bieber & MØ, "Cold Water"
EDM's one bright spot in 2016 was the rise of tropical house, whose Caribbean-inspired rhythms and bright instrumentation provided a welcome alternative to the lurching synths and squawking DJ Snake imitations that dominated the year. Major Lazer's contribution to the genre, "Cold Water," proved the most sonically enjoyable EDM track of 2016. The melodic guitar lines on the verses and horn-blast synths on the chorus and an unusually sincere vocal from Justin Bieber combine for an unusually buoyant atmosphere in a grim year.
9. Twenty One Pilots, "Stressed Out"
Many artists over the years have been hailed as the "voice of a generation," and many songs have been called "generation-defining." Earlier this year, such claims were even made about the Chainsmokers' "Closer," but the true voice of the Millennial generation very well might be Twenty One Pilots' Tyler Joseph. "Stressed Out" is a three-minute rumination on artistic angst and discomfort with adulthood, giving voice to a legion of fans disaffected by the dark days they live in. "But now we're stressed out" indeed.
8. Future feat. The Weeknd, "Low Life"
Two of modern music's greatest nihilists come together for a look at the dark side of the lifestyle of the rich and famous. Future and The Weeknd recount nights filled with women, drugs and trashed hotels, fueled by cocaine and lean, over sinister pianos and trap percussion, dissolving in a slurred haze, with the only certainty being that it will all happen again.
7. Nick Jonas feat. Tove Lo, "Close"
"Space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close," says the line that anchors Nick Jonas's best solo work to date, but the production is beautifully spacious, with washes of synth, steel drums and echoing trap percussion creating a lush soundscape. The chemistry between Jonas and Tove Lo builds incredible sexual tension across the verses, coming to a head in the explosive chorus.
6. The Weeknd, "In The Night"
Co-written by Max Martin, "In The Night" is The Weeknd's most straight-ahead pop song. Driven by a popping bassline, The Weeknd sacrifices none of his signature darkness, spinning a tale of a an abused woman "dancing to relieve the pain." It's a marriage of dance floor nirvana and lyrical pathos, proving that there's no reason why pop can't have lyrical depth.
5. Twenty One Pilots, "Heathens"
Easily the best thing to come out of Suicide Squad, "Heathens" is an unusually tense song for the pop charts - but then again, this was an unusually tense year. Tyler Joseph's lyrics paint a picture of a dangerous crowd, while the gun-cock guitar sounds that run throughout the song prove to be one of 2016's most potent hooks. Easily the most sinister single of the year, capturing the atmosphere that Suicide Squad itself could only hope to achieve.
4. Adele, "When We Were Young"
Adele has made songs about encounters with people from her past her signature, and "When We Were Young" fits right in with standouts like "Hello" and "Someone Like You." An unexpected encounter sparks nostalgia for the days of her youth, captured in one of Adele's most sublime choruses: "Let me photograph you in this light, in case it is the last time/That we might be exactly as we were before we realized/We were sad of getting old, it made us restless." There's an elegiac quality to it, perfect for a song about lost youth.
3. The Weeknd, "The Hills"
Pop songs can cover many emotions, but the one emotion everyone seemed to be feeling in 2016 was fear. If "Heathens" unfolds like the thriller that Suicide Squad wanted to be, "The Hills" unfolds like a horror film. The Weeknd's distorted vocals build creeping dread over the verses, exploding with the shrieking sample on the chorus, where the overpowering bass beats the song into submission. If not the best song of 2016, then definitely the one that defined the year best.
2. Ariana Grande, "Into You"
After a rough 2015, Ariana Grande came roaring back with Dangerous Woman and a string of killer singles, including this, hands-down the dancefloor jam of the year. A textbook lesson in build-and-drop pop composition, Grande's breathy vocals gradually build tension over the verses, driven by a rubbery bassline, escalating to a pummeling drop and a fist-in-the-air chorus. Guilty pleasure? No such thing, "Into You" is pure club-banger nirvana.
1. The Weeknd feat. Daft Punk, "Starboy"
An utterly hypnotic drum and bassline and atmospheric production courtesy of Daft Punk cemented "Starboy" as the best hit of 2016. The lyrics cover territory The Weeknd has tread before - the angst of the high life, women, booze, and cocaine - but it's hard to fault him when he keeps releasing singles this good. It's one of those songs whose superior quality is hard to define, but it's there in spades. The Weeknd had a better year than most in 2016, and "Starboy" was his greatest pop achievement.
Honorable Mentions
Justin Bieber, "Love Yourself"
Beyoncé, "Sorry"
Twenty One Pilots, "Ride"
Adele, "Send My Love (To Your New Lover)"
Mike Posner, "I Took A Pill In Ibiza"
Ariana Grande, "Dangerous Woman"
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
The Worst Hits of 2016
10. X Ambassadors, "Unsteady"
If you're going to make a song that heavily references Peter Pan, shouldn't it at least be a bit, I don't know, fun? Not bizarrely melancholic, totally putting it at odds with the lyrical content? Not that there's a whole lot going on in that department, as the Peter Pan conceit is played literally, without any sense of metaphor (contrast it with another song from this year, Kelsea Ballerini's "Peter Pan"). A piece of lighthearted fluff like this would be better served if it actually had a sense of playfulness. As it is, it has nowhere near the emotional depth it seems to be striving for. And really, could you really not come up with anything more interesting than "Ruth B" as a stage name?
5. Lukas Graham, "7 Years"
Lukas Graham is not a person. Lukas Graham is a band fronted by Lukas Graham Forchhammer, a man clearly so egotistic he used his own full name as the name of his band (seriously, they didn't call it Edward Van Halen). And on this song, Lukas Graham Forchhammer of Lukas Graham expounds on one and only one thing: himself. From his childhood, where he claims his father advised him to find a wife at age eleven, to the future, where he worries about whether or not his children will care about him, it's the complete life overview of Lukas Graham. It might prove compelling, were it not for clumsy lyricism that gives us lines like "My woman brought children for me," or the non-sequitur "I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once," which in no way relates to the lines before or after it.
4. Charlie Puth, "One Call Away"
Quite possibly the blandest song ever written, by the blandest singer in pop, Charlie Puth. There's nothing memorable or distinct or descriptive, just a grab-bag of cliches about "ooh baby I love you and I'd do anything for you but I'm not going to go into any detail because that would take too much effort." It also contains the utterly cringe-worthy line "Superman got nothing on me," which is especially laughable coming from Puth, who comes off as rather less masculine than 2003-era Clay Aiken. If you're going to be a pop pretty-boy, stay in your lane and don't make claims you obviously can't support.
3. Kiiara, "Gold"
Boasting the most baffling production choices of any song in 2016, "Gold" seems like an attempt at artful minimalism gone horribly wrong. The "chorus," or what passes for one, is an unintelligible mess of clipped vocal bits, and there's a sample that sounds like a dripping faucet running through the entire song. The lyrics attempt to paint Kiiara in terms of wealth and danger, with references to gold teeth and bodies on the pavement, but the production hamstrings any such attempts at atmosphere. A mess from start to finish.
2. Post Malone, "White Iverson"
Among the worst trends of 2016 was the rise of "mumble-rap," as a glut of rappers sought to imitate Future's slurred flow with increasingly irritating results. Even bad genres can produce good songs, however, if the artists are authentic or original - witness Desiigner's strangely hypnotic "Panda," or the off-kilter sensibilities of Young Thug. No such defense can be offered for Post Malone and "White Iverson." Post Malone has no cred or originality to back up this lazy basketball-themed rap. He's a white guy from Texas with a grotty beard and braids co-opting "urban" slang and style. In short, he's a culturally appropriating poser.
1. Meghan Trainor, "Me Too"
Hands down the most aggressively obnoxious song of 2016. It's a bit baffling why so many people willingly listened to a song that's explicitly about why the singer is better than them. It's self-empowerment in the sense that it's Meghan Trainor empowering herself at the direct expense of the audience. To make matters worse, she doesn't even bother to give us any indication as to why she's better than us beyond the usual cliches of "I wear expensive jewelry and go to clubs and other people buy me drinks" (in direct opposition to the entire point of her previous hit, "No"). She boasts about how "if I was you, I'd wanna be me too" when nobody wants to be Meghan Trainor. It's vapid, self-aggrandizing, plastic-pop bollocks, and it's the worst hit song of 2016.
Dishonorable Mentions
G-Eazy feat. Bebe Rexha, "Me, Myself & I"
Desiigner, "Tiimmy Turner"
Daya, "Hide Away"
Hailee Steinfeld & Grey feat. Zedd, "Starving"
Meghan Trainor, "No"
Shawn Mendes, "Treat You Better"
Chris Brown, "Back To Sleep"
O.T. Genasis feat. Young Dolph, "Cut It"
Lacking any of the atmosphere present in their previous hit, "Renegades," "Unsteady" feels like it was cobbled together from a pile of production elements that weren't necessarily meant to fit together. Sam Harris wails some vaguely tormented lyrics about familial troubles over an assemblage of plodding drums, dull piano, a bizarre crackling noise that sounds like a film projector winding down, and, for some ungodly reason, trap hi-hats. The result is a song that constantly sounds like every instrument is on the verge of falling out of rhythm.
9. Flume feat. Kai, "Never Be Like You"
2016 was the year that EDM died in the mainstream. Rather than the anthemic progressive house tracks and club-ready bangers from artists like Zedd and David Guetta that crossed over in previous years, the dominant electronic sound on the charts of 2016 seemed to be lurching, pseudo-dubstep "whomp-whomp-whomp" sounds. Case in point, "Never Be Like You," which combines that grating audio motif with practically arrhythmic trap percussion. The only notable things about Kai's vocals, meanwhile, are the panicked-sounding title line on the chorus and the fact that she says "fuck" way more times than she has the conviction to back up.
8. Fifth Harmony feat. Ty Dolla $ign, "Work From Home"
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One of two hits this year to repeat the word "work" ad nauseam, and decidedly the worse one. Camila Cabello immediately gets off to a bad start by telling her boyfriend how she's going to harass him at work by sending him racy photos until he gets fired. Then the rest of Fifth Harmony reiterate that "you don't gotta go to work work work work work work work/ but you gotta put in work work work work work work work," because apparently their insatiable need to be sexually serviced is more important than this poor man's continued employment. Hands down one of the stupidest lyrical conceits of 2016.
7. Gnash feat. Olivia O'Brien, "i hate u, i love u"
Todd In The Shadows has used the term "Livejournal crap" to refer to mopey piano-based pop songs that sound like they were written by an emo teenager who just got broken up with for the first time, and "i hate u, i love u" might be the Livejournal-crappiest song this side of Christina Perri. Gnash sing-speaks his verses in a manner that doesn't deserve to be dignified as "rapping," while coming off like an absolute fuckboy, singing the line "and if I was you, I would never let me go" with zero irony. Olivia O'Brien's verses, meanwhile, make her sound like a co-dependent mess, simultaneously claiming that he never cared about her and wishing that she was "good enough" for him. The song is going for a tragic breakup vibe, but these people are clearly terrible for each other, so the only emotion it's likely to inspire is annoyance.
6. Ruth B, "Lost Boy"
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6. Ruth B, "Lost Boy"
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If you're going to make a song that heavily references Peter Pan, shouldn't it at least be a bit, I don't know, fun? Not bizarrely melancholic, totally putting it at odds with the lyrical content? Not that there's a whole lot going on in that department, as the Peter Pan conceit is played literally, without any sense of metaphor (contrast it with another song from this year, Kelsea Ballerini's "Peter Pan"). A piece of lighthearted fluff like this would be better served if it actually had a sense of playfulness. As it is, it has nowhere near the emotional depth it seems to be striving for. And really, could you really not come up with anything more interesting than "Ruth B" as a stage name?
5. Lukas Graham, "7 Years"
Lukas Graham is not a person. Lukas Graham is a band fronted by Lukas Graham Forchhammer, a man clearly so egotistic he used his own full name as the name of his band (seriously, they didn't call it Edward Van Halen). And on this song, Lukas Graham Forchhammer of Lukas Graham expounds on one and only one thing: himself. From his childhood, where he claims his father advised him to find a wife at age eleven, to the future, where he worries about whether or not his children will care about him, it's the complete life overview of Lukas Graham. It might prove compelling, were it not for clumsy lyricism that gives us lines like "My woman brought children for me," or the non-sequitur "I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once," which in no way relates to the lines before or after it.
4. Charlie Puth, "One Call Away"
Quite possibly the blandest song ever written, by the blandest singer in pop, Charlie Puth. There's nothing memorable or distinct or descriptive, just a grab-bag of cliches about "ooh baby I love you and I'd do anything for you but I'm not going to go into any detail because that would take too much effort." It also contains the utterly cringe-worthy line "Superman got nothing on me," which is especially laughable coming from Puth, who comes off as rather less masculine than 2003-era Clay Aiken. If you're going to be a pop pretty-boy, stay in your lane and don't make claims you obviously can't support.
3. Kiiara, "Gold"
Boasting the most baffling production choices of any song in 2016, "Gold" seems like an attempt at artful minimalism gone horribly wrong. The "chorus," or what passes for one, is an unintelligible mess of clipped vocal bits, and there's a sample that sounds like a dripping faucet running through the entire song. The lyrics attempt to paint Kiiara in terms of wealth and danger, with references to gold teeth and bodies on the pavement, but the production hamstrings any such attempts at atmosphere. A mess from start to finish.
2. Post Malone, "White Iverson"
Among the worst trends of 2016 was the rise of "mumble-rap," as a glut of rappers sought to imitate Future's slurred flow with increasingly irritating results. Even bad genres can produce good songs, however, if the artists are authentic or original - witness Desiigner's strangely hypnotic "Panda," or the off-kilter sensibilities of Young Thug. No such defense can be offered for Post Malone and "White Iverson." Post Malone has no cred or originality to back up this lazy basketball-themed rap. He's a white guy from Texas with a grotty beard and braids co-opting "urban" slang and style. In short, he's a culturally appropriating poser.
1. Meghan Trainor, "Me Too"
Hands down the most aggressively obnoxious song of 2016. It's a bit baffling why so many people willingly listened to a song that's explicitly about why the singer is better than them. It's self-empowerment in the sense that it's Meghan Trainor empowering herself at the direct expense of the audience. To make matters worse, she doesn't even bother to give us any indication as to why she's better than us beyond the usual cliches of "I wear expensive jewelry and go to clubs and other people buy me drinks" (in direct opposition to the entire point of her previous hit, "No"). She boasts about how "if I was you, I'd wanna be me too" when nobody wants to be Meghan Trainor. It's vapid, self-aggrandizing, plastic-pop bollocks, and it's the worst hit song of 2016.
Dishonorable Mentions
G-Eazy feat. Bebe Rexha, "Me, Myself & I"
Desiigner, "Tiimmy Turner"
Daya, "Hide Away"
Hailee Steinfeld & Grey feat. Zedd, "Starving"
Meghan Trainor, "No"
Shawn Mendes, "Treat You Better"
Chris Brown, "Back To Sleep"
O.T. Genasis feat. Young Dolph, "Cut It"
Sunday, April 10, 2016
The Top Ten American Idol Alumni
After a fifteen-season run (or reign of terror, depending on your opinion), American Idol finally reached its end on Thursday, with a finale that was very much about celebrating the show and the singers it discovered. Nearly every memorable performer from the show's run came back for a final round of performances: the Three Divas reunited, Larry Platt stormed the stage for one last rendition of "Pants on the Ground," the guitar bros paid tribute to David Bowie (and made us question again why the hell Lee DeWyze ever won), and the rocker collective of Bo Bice, Constantine Maroulis, Caleb Johnson, James Durbin, and Chris Daughtry stole the show, just as they had during their own seasons. Hell, even Brian Dunkleman showed up.
However much it may have faltered during its last few seasons, there was a time when American Idol was a genuine cultural phenomenon, the likes of which may never be seen again. It was the show that everyone watched, that everyone cared about, that enabled everyone to actively participate by voting. Over fifteen years, it churned out a diverse roster of award-winning, hit-scoring singers to cement its cultural legacy as the most influential reality show in history, changing the landscape of television and pop music along the way.
Here are the fruits of that legacy, the ten greatest American Idol alumni.
10. Joey Cook
This is probably personal taste showing through, since Joey Cook has been far from influential in the pantheon of Idol finalists, but her appealing oddness made her one of the most distinctly unique singers in the show's history. Coming off like the musical version of Aubrey Plaza, her alt-chick style and offbeat song arrangements (a bluegrass take on "Somebody To Love," a retro-swing version of "Fancy," and a surprisingly straight-faced cover of "Mad World") made her an Idol unlike any other. She's performed frequently with Postmodern Jukebox, a group that's essentially become the go-to destination for people who were too cool to actually win American Idol.
9. Bo Bice & Constantine Maroulis
The Season Four duo that broke the dominance of pop and R&B over the competition and proved that rockers could survive on Idol. Constantine left his mark with his theatrical take on "Bohemian Rhapsody" that functionally served as an early audition for his eventual Tony-nominated role in "Rock of Ages," getting voted off after attempting to salvage Nickelback's "How You Remind Me" (the jokes write themselves). Bo Bice, meanwhile, injected southern-rock swagger with his strutting rendition of "Vehicle" and his nearly iconic acapella "In A Dream." He returned to the Idol stage for the series finale looking nearly unrecognizable, having ditched his hippie shag for a more urbane look, delivering one last snarly, sexy "Vehicle."
8. Melinda Doolittle
Former BeBe & CeCe Winans backup singer Melinda Doolittle's performance of "My Funny Valentine" probably had most people convinced that she would be Season Six's winner (she finished third). Her always-impeccable, gospel-tinged vocals lent themselves well to a succession of soul and R&B standards, but she proved just as adept at handling Bon Jovi's "Have A Nice Day." In the year of the seemingly endless Sanjaya Debacle, Melinda provided some much-needed class.
7. Haley Reinhart
Her astoundingly sultry, smoky vocals made it seem like every song Haley Reinhart touched turned to gold. She proved herself with "Bennie And The Jets," gave the definitive performance of the frequently-performed "I Who Have Nothing," and peaked with her stunning take on "House Of The Rising Sun." As of late, she's also been a frequent Postmodern Jukebox collaborator.
6. Carrie Underwood
I'm no country fan, but I'd be remiss not to include one of Idol's biggest successes on this list. The innocuous country singer who grew up on a farm rose through the ranks of Season Four, peaking with a belted performance of "Alone" that proved she could handle a power ballad as well. In the eleven years since winning, she's become a permanent fixture in modern country, with a sizable amount of crossover hits as well (most notably "Jesus Take The Wheel" and "Before He Cheats").
5. Jennifer Hudson
Looking back, it's hard to fathom how future Grammy and Academy Award-winner Jennifer Hudson only finished seventh on American Idol, getting the axe in one of the show's most confusing elimination weeks that saw the Three Divas all in the bottom three. Her best showing on Idol was her gospel-fied take on "Circle Of Life," but she'll best be remembered for her Dreamgirls performance of "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going."
4. Chris Daughtry
What Bo and Constantine started came to fruition in Daughtry, who lent an intensely masculine modern-rock sensibility to one of Idol's most talented seasons. A clear, stunningly powerful voice in the sludgy post-grunge era of rock, his profoundly superior rendition of Fuel's "Hemorrhage (In My Hands)" actually led to an offer to front the band. After being eliminated in the most controversial night of Idol's history (to the point where many people point to it as the moment Idol started to go downhill), he formed his own band, releasing one of the best mainstream rock albums of the 2000's and providing a welcome alternative to Nickelback on the charts.
3. Fantasia Barrino
One of the quintessential Idol stories and one of the show's best pure voices, Fantasia Barrino went from high school dropout and teenage mother to Broadway by way of American Idol. Her iconic take on "Summertime" was arguably the greatest single performance in the show's entire run, and her coronation single "I Believe" captured the essence of Idol better than any since "A Moment Like This."
2. Adam Lambert
The shamelessly flamboyant Lambert took any song handed to him and lit it up with his titanic voice, from his Middle-Eastern influenced "Ring Of Fire" to his impassioned "Mad World" to being the first of only four Idol contestants allowed to cover Led Zeppelin. He parlayed his success into a few modest hits (including the highly underrated and awesomely gay "If I Had You" and "For Your Entertainment"), and ultimately to the place where a voice like his belongs: as the touring frontman of Queen.
1. Kelly Clarkson
The first, and forever the greatest. While she wasn't necessarily the favorite during Season One's competition, her victory belting of "A Moment Like This" cemented her place in pop music and set the established the tone for the next fourteen seasons of Idol. The only winner to fully realize the show's promise of pop superstardom, she rode her success through the 2000's and right up to the present, giving us "Breakaway," "Since U Been Gone," "Behind These Hazel Eyes," "Because Of You," "Never Again," "My Life Would Suck Without You," and a dozen other hits. American Idol billed itself as the Search For A Superstar, and they found it in Kelly Clarkson.
However much it may have faltered during its last few seasons, there was a time when American Idol was a genuine cultural phenomenon, the likes of which may never be seen again. It was the show that everyone watched, that everyone cared about, that enabled everyone to actively participate by voting. Over fifteen years, it churned out a diverse roster of award-winning, hit-scoring singers to cement its cultural legacy as the most influential reality show in history, changing the landscape of television and pop music along the way.
Here are the fruits of that legacy, the ten greatest American Idol alumni.
10. Joey Cook
This is probably personal taste showing through, since Joey Cook has been far from influential in the pantheon of Idol finalists, but her appealing oddness made her one of the most distinctly unique singers in the show's history. Coming off like the musical version of Aubrey Plaza, her alt-chick style and offbeat song arrangements (a bluegrass take on "Somebody To Love," a retro-swing version of "Fancy," and a surprisingly straight-faced cover of "Mad World") made her an Idol unlike any other. She's performed frequently with Postmodern Jukebox, a group that's essentially become the go-to destination for people who were too cool to actually win American Idol.
9. Bo Bice & Constantine Maroulis
The Season Four duo that broke the dominance of pop and R&B over the competition and proved that rockers could survive on Idol. Constantine left his mark with his theatrical take on "Bohemian Rhapsody" that functionally served as an early audition for his eventual Tony-nominated role in "Rock of Ages," getting voted off after attempting to salvage Nickelback's "How You Remind Me" (the jokes write themselves). Bo Bice, meanwhile, injected southern-rock swagger with his strutting rendition of "Vehicle" and his nearly iconic acapella "In A Dream." He returned to the Idol stage for the series finale looking nearly unrecognizable, having ditched his hippie shag for a more urbane look, delivering one last snarly, sexy "Vehicle."
8. Melinda Doolittle
Former BeBe & CeCe Winans backup singer Melinda Doolittle's performance of "My Funny Valentine" probably had most people convinced that she would be Season Six's winner (she finished third). Her always-impeccable, gospel-tinged vocals lent themselves well to a succession of soul and R&B standards, but she proved just as adept at handling Bon Jovi's "Have A Nice Day." In the year of the seemingly endless Sanjaya Debacle, Melinda provided some much-needed class.
7. Haley Reinhart
Her astoundingly sultry, smoky vocals made it seem like every song Haley Reinhart touched turned to gold. She proved herself with "Bennie And The Jets," gave the definitive performance of the frequently-performed "I Who Have Nothing," and peaked with her stunning take on "House Of The Rising Sun." As of late, she's also been a frequent Postmodern Jukebox collaborator.
6. Carrie Underwood
I'm no country fan, but I'd be remiss not to include one of Idol's biggest successes on this list. The innocuous country singer who grew up on a farm rose through the ranks of Season Four, peaking with a belted performance of "Alone" that proved she could handle a power ballad as well. In the eleven years since winning, she's become a permanent fixture in modern country, with a sizable amount of crossover hits as well (most notably "Jesus Take The Wheel" and "Before He Cheats").
5. Jennifer Hudson
Looking back, it's hard to fathom how future Grammy and Academy Award-winner Jennifer Hudson only finished seventh on American Idol, getting the axe in one of the show's most confusing elimination weeks that saw the Three Divas all in the bottom three. Her best showing on Idol was her gospel-fied take on "Circle Of Life," but she'll best be remembered for her Dreamgirls performance of "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going."
4. Chris Daughtry
What Bo and Constantine started came to fruition in Daughtry, who lent an intensely masculine modern-rock sensibility to one of Idol's most talented seasons. A clear, stunningly powerful voice in the sludgy post-grunge era of rock, his profoundly superior rendition of Fuel's "Hemorrhage (In My Hands)" actually led to an offer to front the band. After being eliminated in the most controversial night of Idol's history (to the point where many people point to it as the moment Idol started to go downhill), he formed his own band, releasing one of the best mainstream rock albums of the 2000's and providing a welcome alternative to Nickelback on the charts.
3. Fantasia Barrino
One of the quintessential Idol stories and one of the show's best pure voices, Fantasia Barrino went from high school dropout and teenage mother to Broadway by way of American Idol. Her iconic take on "Summertime" was arguably the greatest single performance in the show's entire run, and her coronation single "I Believe" captured the essence of Idol better than any since "A Moment Like This."
2. Adam Lambert
The shamelessly flamboyant Lambert took any song handed to him and lit it up with his titanic voice, from his Middle-Eastern influenced "Ring Of Fire" to his impassioned "Mad World" to being the first of only four Idol contestants allowed to cover Led Zeppelin. He parlayed his success into a few modest hits (including the highly underrated and awesomely gay "If I Had You" and "For Your Entertainment"), and ultimately to the place where a voice like his belongs: as the touring frontman of Queen.
1. Kelly Clarkson
The first, and forever the greatest. While she wasn't necessarily the favorite during Season One's competition, her victory belting of "A Moment Like This" cemented her place in pop music and set the established the tone for the next fourteen seasons of Idol. The only winner to fully realize the show's promise of pop superstardom, she rode her success through the 2000's and right up to the present, giving us "Breakaway," "Since U Been Gone," "Behind These Hazel Eyes," "Because Of You," "Never Again," "My Life Would Suck Without You," and a dozen other hits. American Idol billed itself as the Search For A Superstar, and they found it in Kelly Clarkson.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
The Best Hits of 2015
#10 Fetty Wap, "Trap Queen"
Upon first listen, I was prepared to hate "Trap Queen," since at first glance, Fetty Wap appears to have little to distinguish himself from the glut of new rappers to arise in the past few years, apart from the fact that he only has one eye. Yet somehow, against all appearances, it manages to be a fantastic slice of pop-rap. Fetty Wap's distinctive voice and sing-rap style enable him to give the chorus actual melody, which puts him miles ahead of contemporaries like Young Thug and Rich Homie Quan. It's both singable and danceable, cementing its pop appeal. The only downside is that its inherent weirdness feels so very much like a one-hit wonder, despite the fact that Fetty Wap had two more hits before the end of the year.
#9 Selena Gomez feat. A$AP Rocky, "Good For You"
I've always been a closet fan of Selena Gomez's early single "Naturally," a fantastically propulsive teen-pop gem, but she's never really been able to impress me since then, with her singles being either unmemorable or sloppily produced. And then came "Good For You," the moment where Selena redefined herself as an adult pop artist. The lush production creates an icy, sexy atmosphere, while Selena, rather than overexerting her voice, keeps herself restrained to an Ariana Grande-esque purr. Even A$AP Rocky keeps things (relatively) classy, being just as in adoration of her as she is of him.
#8 Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, "Time of Our Lives"
The rent is due tomorrow, and there's no way you'll be able to make it. You're facing eviction, you've got no way out... so you say fuck it, take all your money to the club, and enjoy it while you can. At last that's what you do if you're Pitbull and Ne-Yo in "Time of Our Lives." Dispensing with his usual brand of bragging glam-rap, Pitbull plays the role of the common man clubbing to forget his troubles. It's by thinking small-scale that Mr. Worldwide scores his most universal song.
#7. Jason Derulo, "Want to Want Me"
It's quite frankly astounding that Jason Derulo made a single this good. The production is propelled by a bouncing bassline, accented by stings of pop guitar on the chorus. Lyrically, Derulo sticks to what he knows - sex - but in a way that actually doesn't make him look like an ass (for once). Will he ever have another single this good? Probably not, but such is life.
#6. Major Lazer feat. DJ Snake & MØ, "Lean On"
In which the British trio behind the overly sexed "Bubble Butt" and the French DJ behind the EDM party explosion "Turn Down For What" release the tightest, slinkiest club jam of the year. With Swedish pop singer MØ on vocals, "Lean On" rides its tense, undulating bass and synth lines with an unusual sense of restraint, building to DJ Snake's slick, warbling solo.
#5. The Weeknd, "Can't Feel My Face"
After years in the underground building his reputation with dark, sexual R&B, The Weeknd cemented his rise to stardom with an unabashedly pop instant classic. Invoking Michael Jackson more than a bit, the slow-burn first verse builds to a chorus of thudding beats and funk bass, never letting up. Is it about a woman? Is it about cocaine? Whatever it's about, it's a piece of dance-floor nirvana.
#4 Hailee Steinfeld, "Love Myself"
Actors attempting to start music careers should always be treated with a certain level of suspicion, but Hailee Steinfeld acquits herself fantastically in this pop gem. There's a certain level of cheek necessary in a song about masturbation, and "Love Myself" is both lyrically clever and propulsive enough to make self-love seem like a statement of self-empowerment. And really, who can resist the shouts of "I LOVE ME" on the chorus?
#3 Pitbull feat. Chris Brown, "Fun"
The world can be full of surprises, as evidenced by this collaboration with generally reprehensible human being Chris Brown that winds up being the best song of Pitbull's career. Brown skates across Pitbull's hottest, funkiest latin-flavored dance-floor beat, exhorting the audience to "loosen up your body till you come undone," building to an infectious flute-sample. Is it enough to forgive Chris Brown? Of course not, but it's enough to make one forget his failings for three glorious minutes.
#2 Demi Lovato, "Cool for the Summer"
Demi Lovato has always seemed to lack a real defining persona or identity, and I've never found any of her singles particularly memorable as a result. That might be the reason why "Cool for the Summer" hits the audience like a tidal wave, as Demi reveals her true talent: raw, massive vocal power. Building from a chilled piano hook to a roaring wash of fuzz-guitar, Demi proclaims her summer love for another woman like it's the only thing on Earth that matters. This is what pop can be at its finest: emotionally grand-scale, with a genuine sense that it matters.
1. Walk the Moon, "Shut Up and Dance"
If Walk the Moon never have another hit, it won't even matter; "Shut Up and Dance" is the kind of flawless pop single a band can build its entire legacy on. Propulsive dance beats, washes of guitar and synth, and Nicholas Petricca's soaring, emotive vocals meld into a careening, breakneck drive of a song, packed with more energy than some bands can muster in their entire careers. Its a compulsively danceable, singable piece of dance-rock perfection, and it's the best hit single of 2015.
Upon first listen, I was prepared to hate "Trap Queen," since at first glance, Fetty Wap appears to have little to distinguish himself from the glut of new rappers to arise in the past few years, apart from the fact that he only has one eye. Yet somehow, against all appearances, it manages to be a fantastic slice of pop-rap. Fetty Wap's distinctive voice and sing-rap style enable him to give the chorus actual melody, which puts him miles ahead of contemporaries like Young Thug and Rich Homie Quan. It's both singable and danceable, cementing its pop appeal. The only downside is that its inherent weirdness feels so very much like a one-hit wonder, despite the fact that Fetty Wap had two more hits before the end of the year.
#9 Selena Gomez feat. A$AP Rocky, "Good For You"
I've always been a closet fan of Selena Gomez's early single "Naturally," a fantastically propulsive teen-pop gem, but she's never really been able to impress me since then, with her singles being either unmemorable or sloppily produced. And then came "Good For You," the moment where Selena redefined herself as an adult pop artist. The lush production creates an icy, sexy atmosphere, while Selena, rather than overexerting her voice, keeps herself restrained to an Ariana Grande-esque purr. Even A$AP Rocky keeps things (relatively) classy, being just as in adoration of her as she is of him.
#8 Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, "Time of Our Lives"
The rent is due tomorrow, and there's no way you'll be able to make it. You're facing eviction, you've got no way out... so you say fuck it, take all your money to the club, and enjoy it while you can. At last that's what you do if you're Pitbull and Ne-Yo in "Time of Our Lives." Dispensing with his usual brand of bragging glam-rap, Pitbull plays the role of the common man clubbing to forget his troubles. It's by thinking small-scale that Mr. Worldwide scores his most universal song.
#7. Jason Derulo, "Want to Want Me"
It's quite frankly astounding that Jason Derulo made a single this good. The production is propelled by a bouncing bassline, accented by stings of pop guitar on the chorus. Lyrically, Derulo sticks to what he knows - sex - but in a way that actually doesn't make him look like an ass (for once). Will he ever have another single this good? Probably not, but such is life.
#6. Major Lazer feat. DJ Snake & MØ, "Lean On"
In which the British trio behind the overly sexed "Bubble Butt" and the French DJ behind the EDM party explosion "Turn Down For What" release the tightest, slinkiest club jam of the year. With Swedish pop singer MØ on vocals, "Lean On" rides its tense, undulating bass and synth lines with an unusual sense of restraint, building to DJ Snake's slick, warbling solo.
#5. The Weeknd, "Can't Feel My Face"
After years in the underground building his reputation with dark, sexual R&B, The Weeknd cemented his rise to stardom with an unabashedly pop instant classic. Invoking Michael Jackson more than a bit, the slow-burn first verse builds to a chorus of thudding beats and funk bass, never letting up. Is it about a woman? Is it about cocaine? Whatever it's about, it's a piece of dance-floor nirvana.
#4 Hailee Steinfeld, "Love Myself"
Actors attempting to start music careers should always be treated with a certain level of suspicion, but Hailee Steinfeld acquits herself fantastically in this pop gem. There's a certain level of cheek necessary in a song about masturbation, and "Love Myself" is both lyrically clever and propulsive enough to make self-love seem like a statement of self-empowerment. And really, who can resist the shouts of "I LOVE ME" on the chorus?
#3 Pitbull feat. Chris Brown, "Fun"
The world can be full of surprises, as evidenced by this collaboration with generally reprehensible human being Chris Brown that winds up being the best song of Pitbull's career. Brown skates across Pitbull's hottest, funkiest latin-flavored dance-floor beat, exhorting the audience to "loosen up your body till you come undone," building to an infectious flute-sample. Is it enough to forgive Chris Brown? Of course not, but it's enough to make one forget his failings for three glorious minutes.
#2 Demi Lovato, "Cool for the Summer"
Demi Lovato has always seemed to lack a real defining persona or identity, and I've never found any of her singles particularly memorable as a result. That might be the reason why "Cool for the Summer" hits the audience like a tidal wave, as Demi reveals her true talent: raw, massive vocal power. Building from a chilled piano hook to a roaring wash of fuzz-guitar, Demi proclaims her summer love for another woman like it's the only thing on Earth that matters. This is what pop can be at its finest: emotionally grand-scale, with a genuine sense that it matters.
1. Walk the Moon, "Shut Up and Dance"
If Walk the Moon never have another hit, it won't even matter; "Shut Up and Dance" is the kind of flawless pop single a band can build its entire legacy on. Propulsive dance beats, washes of guitar and synth, and Nicholas Petricca's soaring, emotive vocals meld into a careening, breakneck drive of a song, packed with more energy than some bands can muster in their entire careers. Its a compulsively danceable, singable piece of dance-rock perfection, and it's the best hit single of 2015.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
The Worst Hits of 2015
#10 T-Wayne, "Nasty Freestyle"
Whenever Billboard decides to add some new factor to help determine the Hot 100, some weird things tend to happen as a result. Case in point: spring of 2013, when they decided to start factoring in Youtube plays and "Harlem Shake" instantly shot to number one for a week. It makes sense, though; with Youtube as basically the only way people watch music videos anymore, logically they should count in determining what people are listening to and care about. Harder to defend is Billboard's 2015 decision to factor in plays on Vine, since Vines are six seconds long and scarcely a destination for people to listen to music. There's also the phenomenon of viners latching onto a song as a joke and proliferating a six-second clip, which is how we end up with "Nasty Freestyle" as a top-ten hit. And it's certainly the only reason; it's hard to imagine anyone willingly listened to this past "First let me hop out the mothafuckin' Porsche/ I don't want it if that ass don't sit like a horse" in a Vine, then immediately forgot it.
#9 Rich Homie Quan, "Flex (Ooh Ooh Ooh)"
I would say that Rich Homie Quan is borderline-unintelligible, but seeing as this is a world in which the actually-unintelligible Young Thug exists, I'll give him a slight pass in that department. Harder to ignore are the actual lyrics, which include references to giving girls ecstasy to get them to have sex, and the line "I only fuck with bitches for that toupee," which makes zero sense. And then there's the liberal hooting of "ooh ooh ooh ooh" in place of actual lyrics, which just drags the intelligence level of the song down even further.
8. Fifth Harmony feat. Kid Ink, "Worth It"
Seriously, who the hell are Fifth Harmony? Am I supposed to care about them? Because this song sure doesn't make me. None of them are particularly good singers, they spend the chorus just telling the audience to "give it to me, I'm worth it" over and over over a grating beat and a saxophone sample cribbed from Jason Derulo's "Talk Dirty." And then Kid Ink jumps in to spout some uninspired drivel that seems to mainly involve chanting that he's "wit it, wit it" numerous times.
7. Rachel Platten, "Fight Song"
It's ironic how "inspirational" music so often just ends up being boring. Such is the case with "Fight Song," with a generic title that underscores an astoundingly bland song. Rachel Platten, an artist with a name as bland and whitebread as her music, is not a good singer, and "Fight Song," while trying to be bold and anthemic, completely lacks the confidence a song like that requires, and just comes off like she's desperately trying to prove that she's "still got a lot of fight left in me." Generic, boring, uninspired drivel.
6. Andy Grammer, "Honey, I'm Good"
The closest thing I can compare "Honey, I'm Good" to musically is "Cotton Eyed Joe," which should say all that needs to be said about this obnoxious pseudo-country pop. The lyrics basically concern the singer telling someone buying him drinks at the bar that he won't have any more because he has "somebody at home." All well and good, but then he goes on to say that if he has anymore, he will, in fact, go home with someone else. He apparently also expects the audience to be impressed with this display of self-control. We shouldn't be.
5. Silento, "Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)"
In the past several years, we've been treated to a variety of mediocre hip-hop singles entirely built around references to a single dance move, among them GS Boyz' "Stanky Leg," Rej3ctz "Cat Daddy," and Cali Swag District's "Teach Me How To Dougie." Fortunately, these songs did not become hits. The same cannot be said for the latest in this trend, "Watch Me" by Silento. First problem: all of the dances Silento references are ones that already exist, including the "superman" from Soulja Boy's "Crank That," which actually was a number one hit. Second problem: Silento himself is seventeen and sounds like he's twelve, with an astoundingly obnoxious, whiny voice that starts off by yelling "You already know what it iiiiiiiiis!" when we obviously don't, since this is his first (and hopefully last) single.
4. Meghan Trainor, "Dear Future Husband"
Where do I even start. The saccharine retro-fifties-doo-wop vibe seems like a good place, sinc there's nothing whiter than nostalgia for the fifties. And the music isn't the only thing that borrows from the fifties: Meghan Trainor describes her ideal relationship with her "future husband" as a domestic nightmare where he acts like a bloody doormat. She also tells him "don't have a dirty mind, just be a classy guy," because god forbid adults should actually want to have sex. Oh, and she tells him that "we'll never see your family more than mine," which just sounds abusive. All of this begs the question, does Meghan Trainor actually think all this shit makes her sound desirable? Any "future husband" of hers should be running the other way.
3. Rae Sremmurd, "No Type"
If there are people in the world who enjoy listening to Rae Sremmurd, I don't want to know them. And yet apparently, there are people who do, since their album SremmLife was declared to be among the best of 2015 by Entertainment Weekly, Rolling Stone and Pitchfork, which makes me question whether I'm actually listening to the same artist, because Rae Sremmurd are just bad. Not so-bad-it's-good or self-aware bad, just astoundingly bad. Their beats are limp and boringly minimalist (courtesy of hip-hop production slumlord Mike Will Made-It), their lyrics are uninspired at best and downright stupid at worst (they claim to have "no type" immediately before declaring that "bad bitches is the only thing that I like"), and somehow this has all led to them actually being critically acclaimed. I have never had less confidence in music journalism.
2. Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor, "Marvin Gaye"
And thus, Meghan Trainor cements herself as the biggest irritation in modern pop. It's yet another song built out of a pile of fifties blowback, except it goes the extra mile in hateability by co-opting the name of one of the sexiest black R&B singers of all time for the most limp, whitebread, sterile, sexless song ostensibly about sex ever produced. If people want to talk about cultural appropriation, look no further than this act of cultural vandalism. Oh, and it also features Charlie Puth, who, apart from having a name that sounds wrong no matter how it's pronounced, has an astoundingly weak voice and so little personality I'm not entirely convinced he's an actual human being.
1. Shawn Mendes, "Stitches"
Does anyone actually enjoy this song? The production is anemic, soulless, and hollow, the lyrics barely make sense ("needle and the thread, gotta get you out of my head" - doesn't sewing thing shut keep things inside them?), and Shawn Mendes himself is yet another boring, personality-devoid white pretty-boy with a weak, whiny voice. Maybe not technically the worst song of 2015, but definitely the one that pissed me off the most every time I heard it.
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