Lacking any of the atmosphere present in their previous hit, "Renegades," "Unsteady" feels like it was cobbled together from a pile of production elements that weren't necessarily meant to fit together. Sam Harris wails some vaguely tormented lyrics about familial troubles over an assemblage of plodding drums, dull piano, a bizarre crackling noise that sounds like a film projector winding down, and, for some ungodly reason, trap hi-hats. The result is a song that constantly sounds like every instrument is on the verge of falling out of rhythm.
9. Flume feat. Kai, "Never Be Like You"
2016 was the year that EDM died in the mainstream. Rather than the anthemic progressive house tracks and club-ready bangers from artists like Zedd and David Guetta that crossed over in previous years, the dominant electronic sound on the charts of 2016 seemed to be lurching, pseudo-dubstep "whomp-whomp-whomp" sounds. Case in point, "Never Be Like You," which combines that grating audio motif with practically arrhythmic trap percussion. The only notable things about Kai's vocals, meanwhile, are the panicked-sounding title line on the chorus and the fact that she says "fuck" way more times than she has the conviction to back up.
8. Fifth Harmony feat. Ty Dolla $ign, "Work From Home"
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One of two hits this year to repeat the word "work" ad nauseam, and decidedly the worse one. Camila Cabello immediately gets off to a bad start by telling her boyfriend how she's going to harass him at work by sending him racy photos until he gets fired. Then the rest of Fifth Harmony reiterate that "you don't gotta go to work work work work work work work/ but you gotta put in work work work work work work work," because apparently their insatiable need to be sexually serviced is more important than this poor man's continued employment. Hands down one of the stupidest lyrical conceits of 2016.
7. Gnash feat. Olivia O'Brien, "i hate u, i love u"
Todd In The Shadows has used the term "Livejournal crap" to refer to mopey piano-based pop songs that sound like they were written by an emo teenager who just got broken up with for the first time, and "i hate u, i love u" might be the Livejournal-crappiest song this side of Christina Perri. Gnash sing-speaks his verses in a manner that doesn't deserve to be dignified as "rapping," while coming off like an absolute fuckboy, singing the line "and if I was you, I would never let me go" with zero irony. Olivia O'Brien's verses, meanwhile, make her sound like a co-dependent mess, simultaneously claiming that he never cared about her and wishing that she was "good enough" for him. The song is going for a tragic breakup vibe, but these people are clearly terrible for each other, so the only emotion it's likely to inspire is annoyance.
6. Ruth B, "Lost Boy"
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6. Ruth B, "Lost Boy"
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If you're going to make a song that heavily references Peter Pan, shouldn't it at least be a bit, I don't know, fun? Not bizarrely melancholic, totally putting it at odds with the lyrical content? Not that there's a whole lot going on in that department, as the Peter Pan conceit is played literally, without any sense of metaphor (contrast it with another song from this year, Kelsea Ballerini's "Peter Pan"). A piece of lighthearted fluff like this would be better served if it actually had a sense of playfulness. As it is, it has nowhere near the emotional depth it seems to be striving for. And really, could you really not come up with anything more interesting than "Ruth B" as a stage name?
5. Lukas Graham, "7 Years"
Lukas Graham is not a person. Lukas Graham is a band fronted by Lukas Graham Forchhammer, a man clearly so egotistic he used his own full name as the name of his band (seriously, they didn't call it Edward Van Halen). And on this song, Lukas Graham Forchhammer of Lukas Graham expounds on one and only one thing: himself. From his childhood, where he claims his father advised him to find a wife at age eleven, to the future, where he worries about whether or not his children will care about him, it's the complete life overview of Lukas Graham. It might prove compelling, were it not for clumsy lyricism that gives us lines like "My woman brought children for me," or the non-sequitur "I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once," which in no way relates to the lines before or after it.
4. Charlie Puth, "One Call Away"
Quite possibly the blandest song ever written, by the blandest singer in pop, Charlie Puth. There's nothing memorable or distinct or descriptive, just a grab-bag of cliches about "ooh baby I love you and I'd do anything for you but I'm not going to go into any detail because that would take too much effort." It also contains the utterly cringe-worthy line "Superman got nothing on me," which is especially laughable coming from Puth, who comes off as rather less masculine than 2003-era Clay Aiken. If you're going to be a pop pretty-boy, stay in your lane and don't make claims you obviously can't support.
3. Kiiara, "Gold"
Boasting the most baffling production choices of any song in 2016, "Gold" seems like an attempt at artful minimalism gone horribly wrong. The "chorus," or what passes for one, is an unintelligible mess of clipped vocal bits, and there's a sample that sounds like a dripping faucet running through the entire song. The lyrics attempt to paint Kiiara in terms of wealth and danger, with references to gold teeth and bodies on the pavement, but the production hamstrings any such attempts at atmosphere. A mess from start to finish.
2. Post Malone, "White Iverson"
Among the worst trends of 2016 was the rise of "mumble-rap," as a glut of rappers sought to imitate Future's slurred flow with increasingly irritating results. Even bad genres can produce good songs, however, if the artists are authentic or original - witness Desiigner's strangely hypnotic "Panda," or the off-kilter sensibilities of Young Thug. No such defense can be offered for Post Malone and "White Iverson." Post Malone has no cred or originality to back up this lazy basketball-themed rap. He's a white guy from Texas with a grotty beard and braids co-opting "urban" slang and style. In short, he's a culturally appropriating poser.
1. Meghan Trainor, "Me Too"
Hands down the most aggressively obnoxious song of 2016. It's a bit baffling why so many people willingly listened to a song that's explicitly about why the singer is better than them. It's self-empowerment in the sense that it's Meghan Trainor empowering herself at the direct expense of the audience. To make matters worse, she doesn't even bother to give us any indication as to why she's better than us beyond the usual cliches of "I wear expensive jewelry and go to clubs and other people buy me drinks" (in direct opposition to the entire point of her previous hit, "No"). She boasts about how "if I was you, I'd wanna be me too" when nobody wants to be Meghan Trainor. It's vapid, self-aggrandizing, plastic-pop bollocks, and it's the worst hit song of 2016.
Dishonorable Mentions
G-Eazy feat. Bebe Rexha, "Me, Myself & I"
Desiigner, "Tiimmy Turner"
Daya, "Hide Away"
Hailee Steinfeld & Grey feat. Zedd, "Starving"
Meghan Trainor, "No"
Shawn Mendes, "Treat You Better"
Chris Brown, "Back To Sleep"
O.T. Genasis feat. Young Dolph, "Cut It"
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