The Worst Hits of 2015

#10 T-Wayne, "Nasty Freestyle"

Whenever Billboard decides to add some new factor to help determine the Hot 100, some weird things tend to happen as a result. Case in point: spring of 2013, when they decided to start factoring in Youtube plays and "Harlem Shake" instantly shot to number one for a week. It makes sense, though; with Youtube as basically the only way people watch music videos anymore, logically they should count in determining what people are listening to and care about. Harder to defend is Billboard's 2015 decision to factor in plays on Vine, since Vines are six seconds long and scarcely a destination for people to listen to music. There's also the phenomenon of viners latching onto a song as a joke and proliferating a six-second clip, which is how we end up with "Nasty Freestyle" as a top-ten hit. And it's certainly the only reason; it's hard to imagine anyone willingly listened to this past "First let me hop out the mothafuckin' Porsche/ I don't want it if that ass don't sit like a horse" in a Vine, then immediately forgot it.

#9 Rich Homie Quan, "Flex (Ooh Ooh Ooh)"

I would say that Rich Homie Quan is borderline-unintelligible, but seeing as this is a world in which the actually-unintelligible Young Thug exists, I'll give him a slight pass in that department. Harder to ignore are the actual lyrics, which include references to giving girls ecstasy to get them to have sex, and the line "I only fuck with bitches for that toupee," which makes zero sense. And then there's the liberal hooting of "ooh ooh ooh ooh" in place of actual lyrics, which just drags the intelligence level of the song down even further.

8. Fifth Harmony feat. Kid Ink, "Worth It"

Seriously, who the hell are Fifth Harmony? Am I supposed to care about them? Because this song sure doesn't make me. None of them are particularly good singers, they spend the chorus just telling the audience to "give it to me, I'm worth it" over and over over a grating beat and a saxophone sample cribbed from Jason Derulo's "Talk Dirty." And then Kid Ink jumps in to spout some uninspired drivel that seems to mainly involve chanting that he's "wit it, wit it" numerous times.

7. Rachel Platten, "Fight Song"

It's ironic how "inspirational" music so often just ends up being boring. Such is the case with "Fight Song," with a generic title that underscores an astoundingly bland song. Rachel Platten, an artist with a name as bland and whitebread as her music, is not a good singer, and "Fight Song," while trying to be bold and anthemic, completely lacks the confidence a song like that requires, and just comes off like she's desperately trying to prove that she's "still got a lot of fight left in me." Generic, boring, uninspired drivel.

6. Andy Grammer, "Honey, I'm Good"

The closest thing I can compare "Honey, I'm Good" to musically is "Cotton Eyed Joe," which should say all that needs to be said about this obnoxious pseudo-country pop. The lyrics basically concern the singer telling someone buying him drinks at the bar that he won't have any more because he has "somebody at home." All well and good, but then he goes on to say that if he has anymore, he will, in fact, go home with someone else. He apparently also expects the audience to be impressed with this display of self-control. We shouldn't be.

5. Silento, "Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)"

In the past several years, we've been treated to a variety of mediocre hip-hop singles entirely built around references to a single dance move, among them GS Boyz' "Stanky Leg," Rej3ctz "Cat Daddy," and Cali Swag District's "Teach Me How To Dougie." Fortunately, these songs did not become hits. The same cannot be said for the latest in this trend, "Watch Me" by Silento. First problem: all of the dances Silento references are ones that already exist, including the "superman" from Soulja Boy's "Crank That," which actually was a number one hit. Second problem: Silento himself is seventeen and sounds like he's twelve, with an astoundingly obnoxious, whiny voice that starts off by yelling "You already know what it iiiiiiiiis!" when we obviously don't, since this is his first (and hopefully last) single.

4. Meghan Trainor, "Dear Future Husband"

Where do I even start. The saccharine retro-fifties-doo-wop vibe seems like a good place, sinc there's nothing whiter than nostalgia for the fifties. And the music isn't the only thing that borrows from the fifties: Meghan Trainor describes her ideal relationship with her "future husband" as a domestic nightmare where he acts like a bloody doormat. She also tells him "don't have a dirty mind, just be a classy guy," because god forbid adults should actually want to have sex. Oh, and she tells him that "we'll never see your family more than mine," which just sounds abusive. All of this begs the question, does Meghan Trainor actually think all this shit makes her sound desirable? Any "future husband" of hers should be running the other way.

3. Rae Sremmurd, "No Type"

If there are people in the world who enjoy listening to Rae Sremmurd, I don't want to know them. And yet apparently, there are people who do, since their album SremmLife was declared to be among the best of 2015 by Entertainment Weekly, Rolling Stone and Pitchfork, which makes me question whether I'm actually listening to the same artist, because Rae Sremmurd are just bad. Not so-bad-it's-good or self-aware bad, just astoundingly bad. Their beats are limp and boringly minimalist (courtesy of hip-hop production slumlord Mike Will Made-It), their lyrics are uninspired at best and downright stupid at worst (they claim to have "no type" immediately before declaring that "bad bitches is the only thing that I like"), and somehow this has all led to them actually being critically acclaimed. I have never had less confidence in music journalism.

2. Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor, "Marvin Gaye"

And thus, Meghan Trainor cements herself as the biggest irritation in modern pop. It's yet another song built out of a pile of fifties blowback, except it goes the extra mile in hateability by co-opting the name of one of the sexiest black R&B singers of all time for the most limp, whitebread, sterile, sexless song ostensibly about sex ever produced. If people want to talk about cultural appropriation, look no further than this act of cultural vandalism. Oh, and it also features Charlie Puth, who, apart from having a name that sounds wrong no matter how it's pronounced, has an astoundingly weak voice and so little personality I'm not entirely convinced he's an actual human being.

1. Shawn Mendes, "Stitches"

Does anyone actually enjoy this song? The production is anemic, soulless, and hollow, the lyrics barely make sense ("needle and the thread, gotta get you out of my head" - doesn't sewing thing shut keep things inside them?), and Shawn Mendes himself is yet another boring, personality-devoid white pretty-boy with a weak, whiny voice. Maybe not technically the worst song of 2015, but definitely the one that pissed me off the most every time I heard it.